He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
