On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just invented taco cereal.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
