Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
