The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
