Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
