I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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