Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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