I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
