Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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