One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
