I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
