I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
