She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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