I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
