Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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