He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
