There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
