captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
