Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
