In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
