PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
