I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
