census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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