New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
