dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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