i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
When did angry sex become our thing?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
