I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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