I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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