How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
