she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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