I wish I could punch you in the face.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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