Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
