I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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