just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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