just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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