I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
