I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
