Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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