Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
