Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We need to get me chipped asap
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
