So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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