Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
