I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
