Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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