I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i now understand why vodka
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
