As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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