I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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