this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
cat food counts as protein by the way
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
