I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
