Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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